Almond Herding

Since I am lactose intolerant, I discovered Almond milk. Very tasty stuff. Daniel and Sam and I got to musing on just how one would go about milking an almond. Their udders must be VERY tiny. This is why almond milk is rather expensive.
But as long as you are running a herd of almonds for their milk, you must consider other ways to make your herd pay. After all, not all almonds are milk producers!
You have your protein almonds... the favorite cuts being slivered or sliced. (Some uncouth people DO prefer chops!) Almonds served blanched, or roasted and salted. My favorite is the smoked almond... though smoking them tends to tear up your rolling papers.
Your almond ranch need not be vast to accomodate the almond needs of the average family. However, the climate has to be right... and I don't think Arkansas is going to be a great state for running a herd of almonds.
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Ok... yes, we do have a tendancy to be silly.
If you don't already know, we have pictures of the recent trip to Texas up at http://www.moocrew3.shutterfly.com/pictures
Be blessed and thanks for reading.

Weekly

Even the boys can't believe the year is half over. In less than a week, they will be 16.

This past week marked three calendar months since Bill left us. In some ways, it isn't any easier at all. But I seem to have regained somewhat of the ability to think again. The latest book I read on grief dealt specifically with losing a child. Even a grown child.
And I seem to be on track... no worse or better than many who have walked this path before. I seem to be instinctively doing the things the books recommend. I have been keeping a journal... and wrote in it something God had put into my heart: Grief is not a contest. It isn't about who is hurting more, or who lost the most. It is a pain that each person walks through on their own... with only God to lean on. It wasn't a week after I wrote this in the journal, that I received a book from my SIL. Just over halfway through the book, the author said almost the exact same thing.

Yesterday, Tom and the boys and I went down to Devil's Den and went hiking. We did a three mile trail to Yellow Rock, then had a picnic lunch. We then went to the river/creek and did a creek hike... probably 3/4 to a mile. Back in the parking area, we watched FAT sassy squirrels frolic. Then decided to find out what the hike-in camp sites looked like. So we can add another 3/4 to 1 mile to the walking.
I haven't been doing much of anything exercise wise... so this was a major excursion. I really want to take back off the weight I had regained since Bill's death.

This weekend, the twins and I are headed to Texas. We will see my Dad and Kathie, and then head to my mom's, where we will meet Becky and get Alana. Dan works Thursday morning, so we have to be back Wednesday night. We MIGHT go to the zoo while we are there. I still have to ask Jennifer when she wants Alana back.
Well, as I am at the library, I best get this blog spellchecked and published before my time is up. Have a blessed day!

Tuesday at The Library

After almost a week of being "internet deprived", we are once again back online at home. We unplugged our modem router last week when thunderstorms blew through, and it promptly went out once it was plugged back in afterwards. Took the internet provider almost a week to get us a new router. I think Mr C found out he had a tougher time without the 'net than I do!

The boys refinished my big old rocker. It has lived out on the covered porch since we moved from our home in Marlow nine years ago... and I had had it a year or more before we moved. The finish was wearing off and the wood beginning to crack. It was sanded down... (May I point out that the use of power tools adds an entirely new level of enthusiasm to tasks being done by those of the masculine persuasion?)... restained, and now has had a layer of polyurethane added. I got another can of poly, so that it can have a second coat, but we haven't gotten that far yet. If I had thought to bring my camera to the library, I could of added pictures!

My boys are fixing to turn SIXTEEN! In less than 2 weeks. Things that interest them now include: Dirigibles, "old" things, which they term collectively 'steampunk'. (Though they do not embrace the modern steampunk styles that show a lot of ....er... cleavage and skin.) They like rocks, metal, and chemistry. Lately they have been experimenting with home brewing of sodas. Both still enjoy blacksmithing, chain maille making, and cooking. Yes, even Sam the Reluctant chef, has begun to experiment with food. Sam wants to learn to play the cello. Daniel is still into hiking, and would still like to tackle the Appalachian Trail. In case I failed to mention it here, both boys are now employed at a local Mennonite restaurant. Dan washes dishes on Thursdays, and is their fish fryer on Fridays. Sam took over Dan's Friday dishwashing. Sam says working for the Mennonites is great, they set such a great example of modesty.

I have gained back all the weight I lost in the last year and a half. My stamina and strength has gone away. Yesterday I began walking again, with just a mile. Using the small hand weights to get some arm strength back. One night last week, the boys were out cartwheeling, flipping and leaping about the yard. They didn't believe I knew how to do a cartwheel. So I showed them. My last cartwheel, ever. I seriously thought I had cracked the bone in my arm, but after the first 48 hours, it felt much better. I could just imagine me going in to the Doctor, trying to explain why I attempted a cartwheel at 51+ years old.

Well, that's about all I can think of for now. Thank you for your continued prayers.
~Tammy~

High Centered

We are still chugging along here, days running into days. It is hard to believe that we are almost into June... The twins are going to be 16 in a few short weeks. (May I recommend gift certificates to either Amazon  or Think Geek to those who might be wondering what to get these fine young men?)
I am not certain I mentioned that Daniel got a job a couple of months ago. He began working for a local family owned restaurant called The Wooden Spoon, in Gentry. He started as a dishwasher. He loves the job and the owners speak very highly of him. This past week, he was promoted to their Friday night fish fryer. Needing a new dishwasher on Friday's to replace Dan... they asked if Samuel was interested. Sam took the job! So both boys are now employed on a very part time basis.
 We have yet to decide on when we may be going to Ohio for vacation this year. Mr C has already used two weeks of his vacation up! (Having been with American eagle for more than 20 years, he does still have some vacation time left!)
I am supposed to go to Texas and retrieve Alana from her Uncle Becky's house later in June. I was hoping to get to go to a school reunion with my brothers, with other people who went to Peaster. Not so certain I will get to do that. Not even really sure I WANT to, at the moment.
It just seems like nothing much matters any more. I don't care whether we move or not. I don't care if we get our own home. Here, there, wherever. I am thinking it is probably a spot in the grieving process. Mr. C is being really sweet and patient with me.
This past week (yesterday in fact!, May 28th) saw Ben and Paula's one month anniversary, Becky and Stephen's 7th anniversary, and my next younger brother Ricky (Eric)'s 50th birthday. Best wishes for all of them, and many more to come!
Signing off from the library; Have a blessed week and thank you for reading!
Your continued prayers are appreciated.
~Tammy~

Another week gone by

This past week held its own brand of crazy.
My DIL is in need of prayers. She has told me that I was a lousy mother to Bill, and why would she think I could be a good grandmother to her daughter? And I will not be able to have any further contact to her daughter.
This is resulting from what she is terming "all my crap", as she is publically calling it on the new facebook page she created in Bill's name.
 My "crap" is:
 1) Requesting that Facebook memorialize Bill's facebook page.
 2) using a word she perceived as offensive. The word was "disconcerting". ( She might also be counting my emailing a friend of hers to inquire as to why I was publically attacked for use of the offensive word, as among my "crap".)

God had showed me that I needed to be praying for my DIL even before she decided that I am an unworthy grandparent. So I have continued to pray for her.

I probably am not the world's best Granny. I'm strict. I tend not to spoil the grandkids or give in to their whining. I do like to make my time with the grandkids fun, but I don't hestitate to send them to bed for fighting. I don't try to occupy every minute of the time we have together... kids need some down time, and need to figure out how to entertain themselves. Telling me, "I'm Booooored" will probably get you a chore to do. Fit throwing, refusing to eat the meal set in front of you will get you sent to bed. (And I will save yiour food for you for when you get hungry enough to eat it.)

Please take a moment to pray for God to help my DIL deal with her grief. I pray that my granddaughter be sheilded and protected, and for God to do what is in the best interest of this little girl.

Have a blessed day. Thank you for reading.

Mother's Day

I hope that all the mothers I know had a blessed Mother's Day. I am grateful to God that I still have my Mom, as well as a great step-Mom. Both are blessings to me, as is my MIL.
I had talked to all five of the kids who were able to speak with me, by 9:00 am. I had gotten a card from Chris. Wow... hearing from six kids before my first cup of tea!
Still, there is that empty place in my heart. It felt like someone was missing... which there was, but my brain and heart are having trouble reconciling the idea that this is the new reality. No more Bill. So many times in the last couple of months, I have had something to tell him, or ask him, and start to reach for the phone. In shopping, I see something I know he would like... and once had even started to put it in my basket, as his birthday gift, before I remembered.
I think I AM getting 'better'. It will undoubtedly be quite awhile before other people see much improvement.
A book on grief caught my eye at the library last week, so I checked it out and read it. It dealt mainly with losing ones spouse. For grief in general, though, I seem to be taking the right steps to get through it. The book's cover labeled it as 'controversial'... I saw not a thing in it that could POSSIBLY be controversial, unless it was the book urging people to give their grief to God, and its strongly pro-Christian stance.
("Stunned by Grief" by Judy Brizendine)
The book talks about 'journaling'... and even before I saw the book, I had bought a small journal. It still sits in the drawer, waiting for me to get started. There is a lot of writing I have done since Bill's death that could be called 'journaling', but I don't know that I will recopy any of it into the book. Maybe make a printout of it all and put them into the manila envelope I put the cards, memorials, and other mementos of Bill's service into.
Once again, as I worked outside on Mother's day, a black and blue butterfly came and was 'in my face'. I said "Hi!" and Tom asked who I was talking to. I said, "Bill's butterfly". He wanted to know why I called it that, so I told him, "It's black and blue". He laughed.

Well, it's halfway through May already. Time has not been so much flying as tumbling end over end down the hill. I had planned on doing a few things while we were in town today, after this library visit. In getting out of the car, I realized I had left my purse at home... so we won't be doing anything except heading back to the house! Carefully.
Be blessed and thank you for visiting.

Time

Yesterday was two months since Bill has passed on. So far, I am up to four non-consecutive days that I haven't broken down and cried. Some of the silliest stuff sets me off. Daniel brought me in a thistle. I remembered Bill, age three, seeing a thistle and he just had to pick it for me... so I let him.
Mean mommy!
Earlier this week, I learned my step-grand daughter Jade was missing. All the info I had was from facebook, and the consensus said she was a runaway. No Amber alerts issued, no face on the local news. The numbers that friends had for her mother were no longer good phone numbers. So we did all we could do, which was to pray.
Last night, Jade returned safely. She had been gone for four and a half days. Prayers answered. We have no more word on why, where, or who she was with than we did while she was missing. Just praise God that she is safe.
Hug someone you love.

Fear

We are several days back from our trip to Texas, but this is my first opportunity to get to the library and blog. Benjamin and Paula are now married, and starting life together. I welcome the newest Mrs. Coder to the family.
We left Arkansas on the 20th... and my dress had still not arrived. I spoke with my mail carrier, and he was able to forward the dress to me when it did arrive the very next day. Friday night we stayed at my Dad and step-mom Kathie's house. We were about 25 miles from their home when realization hit me... this was the last place I ever saw Bill Joe. I cried the rest of the trip in... trying to get a grip on my emotions.  I had certainly talked to Bill several times since I last saw him, pretty much every day!
Kathie took in my "back-up" dress to fit me, since at this point my ordered dress hadn't showed up in Decatur, and who knew if it would even fit me once it did arrive?
We got a fairly early start on down the road to Beeville. That was still a  very, very long drive. We found a motel, unloaded the vehicle, and then headed south to the beach. Dan and Sam had never seen the ocean before.
The boys were soon out hopping the waves, playing and having a great time. Fear was on me... what if the rip tide catches them, what if they get swimmers cramps... what if what if what if! I had to stuff it down. Why not let them have fun? They are almost 16 years old and need to... MUST ... spread their wings! We only stayed a couple of hours, thinking we might come back the next night.
We got up and went to see Chris the next morning. He was doing well. It was a good visit. Too soon, we had to leave, due to the motel check-out times. We decided against going back to the beach, but instead hit the road for Ballinger. It was April 22nd, Tommy's 22nd birthday. So Becky had planned a birthday party for him in the park, set to start at 4:22 pm! (Get it? 4:22 on 4/22!)
We were late in arriving. The party was to have a scavenger hunt/ challenge, and the teams had been selected by the time we got there. One of the twins went to each team. Tom and I opted to stay at the park and let Tyrel and Kimber play. Each team had come up with a list of things to find or do, for the other team.
It so happened, several items on the two lists were very similar. One list had "swim the river and bring back a souvenir from the opposite shore." Tommy dived in, swam across, and found a nasty old beer bottle. The swim tired him so much, he came back across the dam on foot. He threw up in the dumpster, then laid dripping on a picnic table in utter exhaustion. Once he had a bit of strength back, his crew went out of the park for their next challenge (Get kicked out of Dollar General for being obnoxious).
The second team arrived back at the park, and a few walked towards the river. As it turned out, they also had a challenge to "swim the river... and back". Unknown to me, Daniel was the one who decided to make the swim. Benjamin watched Dan make a strong swim across the river, making it safely to the opposite bank. Then Ben had to go find the facilities at the park. Dan rested briefly before setting back across the river. At about the halfway point, Dan ran out of steam. He panicked and went under, flailing. One of the team mates was encouraging him, "SWIM, Swim! Don't panic!" Dan panicked anyway. This young man, Jake Huston, dove into the river to save Daniel. In his panic, Dan was close to drowning Jake, pulling him under and fighting him. Jake, as it turns out, can barely swim himself. He shoved Daniel towards shore, telling him SWIM!
He did this several times, until they were in water shallow enough for Jake to get a footing, then he dragged Dan ashore. Meanwhile, Jake's little brother had ran back to the park where Tom and I were, screaming for help, that "they are both drowning, oh please help us!" . Tom ran to help while I was trying to get a phone to work to call 911. By the time Tom got there, Jake had already rescued Daniel, so I didn't make that call. I still, at that point, didn't know who had been drowning. I didn't know Jake's little brother, didn't associate him with the group of kids mine were with, that had gone in that direction.
When I saw them leading Dan up from the river, I really lost it. I was as upset as he was, I think. Tom took Dan and I "home" to Ben and Tommy's house, where we both had to lie down for awhile.
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The wedding, the following weekend, was beautiful. I don't have time to write about it right now, but we do have a few pictures up at http://www.moocrew3.shutterfly.com . There are at least two sets, one from my camera, and one from Kathie's. Becky was the official photographer, and will have her pictures to add soon!
(My dress did arrive and was a perfect fit)
Well, I am thinking that I had better get off here for now. Be blessed. Hug those you love.

Hello from the Library....

I'm sure looking forward to Ben and Paula's wedding.
We are going to spend a few days beforehand with the kids.
It's going to be hard, with the bunch of us being "all there are" for awhile.
Appreciate your prayers.
You know how to reach me if you don't see me 'around' facebook!
~Tammy~

Hi....

I'm still here. Well, actually, I'm at the library because I can't post from home, unless it is remote posting of pictures from Shutterfly and such.
The first month is behind us now.
I thought yesterday, the one month mark, would be hard. It was, but not as hard as the day before.
The day before, that was one month since Bill was alive, since I talked to him. Laughed, joked. With Bill, we always had something to laugh about.
Yesterday was one month gone.
I suppose the 'anniversaries' will start spreading out. One week, two. One month, six months, a year... on into the rest of our lives. And I am told that time makes it easier.
Right now, the ordinary things get me.
I was talking to Tom, about taking each of the kids a cookie jar from my collection... and it hits. I have six kids now, not seven.
I saw Al Roker on the weather channel showing a clip of some guy's new alarm clock. Perfect for Bill, I think.
I worry that I am not mentally 'present' enough for the people in my life. Do they think Bill was the favorite?
I know losing any of them would do this to me.
See me? This is me without YOU. Don't do this to me.
I am trying to regain joy, and some equilibrium.
Ben and Paula are getting married in just a few weeks now.
I had an old friend ask me if I believe Bill is in hell.
No, I do not. It seemed such an odd question. I have been looking for the joy that little children have when a loved one passes... "Oh, Bill went to be with Jesus? that is GOOD! Why do you cry?"
I need to find my way to that same awestruck wonder.
Be blessed, thanks for reading.
Remember we have lots of pictures up: http://www.moocrew3.shutterfly.com/

A Gathering of Hearts

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Goodbye Bill

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What Can I Do....

When someone you know loses a loved one, you just feel so helpless. You want to heal their hurt, but that isn't something within your power.
So many times in the past week, I have encountered the small kindnesses that really do help.
I am not only listing things that were done for us, but things that you might be able to do to ease the way for someone whose life has just been immobilized by grief.

• Field phone calls. Try to make sure that people who need to be made aware of the death get the news .
• Make sure the family members have something to wear to the funeral. Perhaps take  the kids who have outgrown their Sunday Best shopping. Be sure they have the necessary shoes, undergarments and such clean.
• Polishing shoes and running a load or two of clothes may seem like so little, but it is yet another chore removed from the family.
• If the family has to travel to reach a funeral, you might wash their car. Fill it with gas. Bring a gift of travel snacks.
• Mow the lawn if it needs it.
• Water houseplants.
• Be sure the pets are being fed and watered.
• Bring in the mail. A simple box or basket near the door can hold cards and such from sympathisers.
• Clean the bathroom. Make sure there is enough bathroom tissue, soap, and facial tissue in the house.
• Wash dishes, run the dishwasher, vaccuum the floors.
• Babysit, or take the children out for a few hours. A romp in the park can really help the little ones.
• A hug, an ear to listen.

I am thinking of all the things that were done for us. I am going to save this list, and if you can think of anything to add, leave it in a comment.

My heart is working on a post about Bill, and all that has swirled around me this last week. The more my brain "writes" this post, the longer it gets. Maybe it will be my first book.

Thank you, everyone, for all your notes, thoughts, prayers. As I have said so many times in my blog posts... give a loved one a hug today. tell them that you love them. It may be the last chance you get.