Wednesday, April 11, 2012


I'm still here. Well, actually, I'm at the library because I can't post from home, unless it is remote posting of pictures from Shutterfly and such.
The first month is behind us now.
I thought yesterday, the one month mark, would be hard. It was, but not as hard as the day before.
The day before, that was one month since Bill was alive, since I talked to him. Laughed, joked. With Bill, we always had something to laugh about.
Yesterday was one month gone.
I suppose the 'anniversaries' will start spreading out. One week, two. One month, six months, a year... on into the rest of our lives. And I am told that time makes it easier.
Right now, the ordinary things get me.
I was talking to Tom, about taking each of the kids a cookie jar from my collection... and it hits. I have six kids now, not seven.
I saw Al Roker on the weather channel showing a clip of some guy's new alarm clock. Perfect for Bill, I think.
I worry that I am not mentally 'present' enough for the people in my life. Do they think Bill was the favorite?
I know losing any of them would do this to me.
See me? This is me without YOU. Don't do this to me.
I am trying to regain joy, and some equilibrium.
Ben and Paula are getting married in just a few weeks now.
I had an old friend ask me if I believe Bill is in hell.
No, I do not. It seemed such an odd question. I have been looking for the joy that little children have when a loved one passes... "Oh, Bill went to be with Jesus? that is GOOD! Why do you cry?"
I need to find my way to that same awestruck wonder.
Be blessed, thanks for reading.
Remember we have lots of pictures up:


Kathie said...

Tammy, I cannot believe that anyone would be so stupid as to ask you if you think Bill is in Hell. That is the most outrageous thing I have ever heard. I don't know if this will help, but a priest once told me after a dear firend killed himself that someone who does that is at the moment not in their right mind--and that God would never punish someone in that condition. I am so sorry someone would do that to you at a time like this. Love much, Kathie

Kate said...

People say the cruelest things when they open their mouths before engaging their brains. I'm so sorry.

Also, you DO still have seven children. You will always be a mother of seven children. One is living in Heaven now, but he's still your kid. Always will be.